Enjoying This Stage of Parenthood

A friend of mine surprised her 3 and 5 year old with a trip to Disney. Truth be told I did the same thing two years ago when my kids were 10 and 8. It was a great feeling and we had a blast but I feel sad. Her kids are perfect Magic Kingdom age. Their eyes will be bright with wonder. There will be so many hugs and squeals of delight. I want that for my friend but jealous at what I’m perceiving as my loss.

I’m entering a different stage of parenthood. My kids are a little older now. One is about to enter middle school. There is still a lot of innocence to their sweet little faces but it’s different. Characters like Mickey are a guy in a suit. They’ve begun to question the magic in their lives.

I know I need to cherish every stage of their lives but i feel myself mourning their babyhood. I don’t want them to learn how awful life can be but I know it’s coming to that. They’re learning history and looking at current events and even analyzing events in their own lives and learning, life isn’t easy and can be unfair.

So I need to turn this around and be grateful. I’m grateful I have healthy children who are growing up. I’m grateful they are bright and asking questions about their environment. I’m grateful I love them so much and they’re such remarkable souls. I’m grateful for our blessings in life. I need to look ahead at their futures and feel excited. I get to experience that with them. They are growing up, thank God, and becoming little people. There will be plenty of other firsts and although they’re not getting excited over a guy in a Mickey suit, there is still magic in their eyes. I guess I just have to look a little harder for it.

Let me follow their interests, stoke their creative fires, experience with them in ways I couldn’t when they were babies. There are so many moments to enjoy now that I have to cherish before they’re gone too. Live in the now. Love the now. Love them at every stage.

Depressed about My Age

I always had this idea that one day I would achieve the perfect weight and my otherwise frizzy hair would look perfect, and my makeup and wardrobe would come together and, I would look, for all intents and purposes, as perfect as I possibly can.

So I’m 40 now. I know that’s not a big deal and 40 is the new 20 except that it is a big deal and 40 is 40, not 20. I’ve wasted my youth being heavy and stressed. It’s all downhill from here and that feels lousy. I know this is an extremely limited superficial and probably even arrogant viewpoint but I can’t shake it. So then, what do I do? I can’t change my age, I can’t go back in time, and i can’t even manage to lose weight so how can I cheer myself up?

To Just Be

My head is swirling. There are presents all over my house. Remnants of tissue paper. Gift bags filled with clothes,toys, books, crafts…I think every aisle of target is represented.

I had a fantastic Christmas party last night with my extended family. Before that I went to Church with my husband, kids, and parent where I lead a successful Throughout the past two dad I’ve gotten Christmas greetings from friends. I’m truly blessed.

Tonight I don’t feel gratitude, I feel overwhelmed. By the mess and the feelings. I spend so much time getting ready for the holiday and then it’s just done. Less than 24 hours and it’s over. Finished. So much preparation, weeks of shopping, cleaning, cooking and wrapping. And then it’s all done and what’s left is in gift bags and wrap all over my living room.

My kids are so happy. Exhausted and happy. I wish I could preserve this happiness for them everyday but pretty soon we have to go back to life and I’m sad about that.

I feel disgusting. I ate too much of the wrong stuff. I’m also tired and achy. My clothes will feet tight tomorrow and i feel sluggish. I need a good night of sleep for sure.

As the new year approaches I start thinking of losing weight and making resolutions. Then I become more dissatisfied with myself.

I think I know what my problem is. I need to just enjoy this moment. My kids are so happy and I’m so blessed. Let me love this moment. Let me look around at this mess and feel grateful for it as a sign of my good fortune. Let me not worry about anything. Let my see the smiles and cheer and not measure how long they last. I need to not be me for a little while. I need to be someone carefree. I need my husband to get onboard with that. I need us to just be. Then we will be happy.

Anxious About Feeling Anxious

Hi friends. I have a tough decision to make about a job and prayed for a sign. I also prayed if that sign could be really, really obvious so I don’t miss it. I’m just not sure what to do.

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Do these Pills Make Me Look Fat?

My doctor mentioned that one of the medications I take for my depression/anxiety could be increasing my appetite. That could be why I’m completely insatiable lately. He told me to cut the pill in half but I’m tempted to stop taking it altogether.

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Logic, Emotion, and Ed Norton

Can you stop being hard on yourself?

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Ruining My Relationship Like a Bandaid

My teen daughter has shifted friend groups and I’m so worried about the friends she’s left behind that I’m beginning to cause problems in my relationship with my daughter.

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I know This Makes Me a Freak

“Get himmm!” screamed the loud woman behind me in a voice that was both feminine and commanding, a mixture that, I must

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My Therapist Says

My therapist is a petite woman in her 40s who tells me I need to accept my anxiety, “and know that I’m going to be ok.” Accept my discomfort likes waves upon the shore and relax knowing the wave will recede and I’ll be fine. Isn’t that a peaceful image?

So that’s lovely but not at all realistic. My anxiety feels more like a tidal wave that throws shit overboard, knocks me off course, and makes me not want to finish the course.

What am I supposed to do? Mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, exercise, journal, meditate, talk it out. These are helpful tools but only a minor distraction for me. I guess I’m looking for the tool that stops my anxiety altogether and my therapist is telling me nothing will. You just bear down and wait for it to pass. Food helps but has its own set of challenges as me and my tight jeans have discussed.

So I sit in my anxiety as it climbs to panic and back and I wait and do nothing. Right now I’m coming home from a busy vacation a sight seeing trip to our nation’s capital. It wasn’t fun but it was a distraction from hating my job and being stressed by my daughter’s choices in friends. (Those are my top two sources of anxiety.) The only thing that helps me forget myself is when I read or write and though I love to do both, I don’t read nearly enough, and, get this, I get afraid of writing. Afraid to expose my feelings in my writing and afraid to take myself out of the fray. You see, when I write my little nonsense fiction stories I forget my anxiety. It’s fantastic but I actually get scared to not have it. Did you catch that? I’m anxious about not being anxious. How fucked up is that? I get nervous about not being nervous.

At this point if you’re still reading you should probably stop. I mean how can there be any hope for me when I’m this messed up so reading this probably won’t teach you anything. Actually maybe it’ll help you feel better about yourself. I hope it does.

So I’m going to go back to sitting in the car and waiting to get home where I’ll resume my worry about my kids and my job. Maybe I’ll find a book to read but mostly I’ll just worry because I guess deep down that’s what I want to do. Holy shit do I enjoy worrying? It doesn’t feel good and I don’t want to do it, but, still, I don’t do enough to let it go. So now what?

Get the picture?

I went out with my family and parents tonight. It’s the last night of our vacation so we were in a celebratory mood. Well my dad kept insisting on a picture. My mom tried strongly to tell him no one wanted one but he kept insisting. He had been drinking so mostly the wine was doing the insisting. Anyway the pic came out terribly. I like enormous. I don’t even look like one of those girls who has such a pretty face if only she could lose the fat. I just look huge, chinless, and ugly.

Thank God for airbrush. I love that app. I reshaped my body and salvaged the pic. Still, I’m depressed that the original picture exists. Do you know that feeling? Like I wish it wasn’t so hard to look good in a picture. And guess what I want to do now that I’ve had this emotionally painful experience?

Eat. Eat all the food I can. That’s all I want. The more calories the better. I’m craving dessert and ice cream, candy and cake. Ugh. Can’t stand the way my brain works.

One of the things that’s affected my self esteem during this trip has been the presence of several full length mirrors. I’ve caught unflattering glimpses of bulges that didn’t need to be acknowledged. I was very happy not knowing these existed. Damn mirrors.

So what to do now. Well I have to get back on my diet starting tomorrow when we get back home. I have such a long way to go. I want to look decent for thanksgiving. Just decent. That’s a few weeks away. I think I can put a small dent in my weight loss goals and lose a couple pounds. At least I hope I can. I have the weight watchers app so I’ll have to go back to using it when we get home. I can’t just avoid pics and mirrors forever.